Don’t freak out if you can’t reach that soul-shattering, best-friend, simultaneous-orgasm, forever-unto-eternity feeling with your spouse. If disappointment, frustration and feelings of betrayal dominate the relationship at any point, hang on.
Of course, I’m not suggesting you suffer. If you want to leave your spouse, do it! Marriage is very painful.
But if there is any small part of you that feels bad about all the negativity you’re suffering, and wants to know if there’s any hope at all of repairing it, then maybe, you’re not done with the marriage yet. Maybe, it still has more to teach you.
Only your heart can tell whether or not you have more to learn, either about yourself or your spouse, but if there is even just a tiny little voice inside of you exploring how you could get to a better place, that’s a sign that maybe there’s something going on that you still don’t yet understand. Either about yourself or your spouse.
Interestingly, getting to that something mysterious that’s telling you that it’s not over yet, requires not that you get away from all the negative stuff you’re feeling, but delve into it more.
Being positive, loving and understanding is, of course, the way to stay married, but sometimes, following the negative strains in the marriage can actually teach you more about yourself and about your spouse than just working on the positive aspects of your relationship and of the other person. Here’s how you follow the negative strains to grow.
- Irreconcilable differences are the inevitable aspect of marriage that nobody tells you about. These are the times when you and your spouse are on polar opposite spectrums of an issue, and absolutely can’t get on the same planet. It could be over the big things, like how to spend money or raise a child, or something small like how to spend a vacation.When irreconcilable differences rear their ugly head and nobody can bend in their spouses direction, feelings of betrayal, being unloved and uncared for rule the day. Those deeper feelings get in the way of understanding how different you and your spouse are, and coming to terms with that difference. We think we should be soul-mates, on the same page about most things if possible, enjoying that one-ness. When we can’t, it can be shattering. Ironically, respecting, understanding and not personalizing those differences requires working through the deep feelings. Those feelings are what help you understand yourself and the other person better.
- Work through the deep feelings. The way to tell whether an irreconcilable difference in marriage is stirring up deeper feelings that are making mutual respect and mutual recognition impossible, is simply by being honest with yourself. Are feelings if disappointment super-painful? Then chances are, you can learn more about yourself and your relationship to yourself when you feel disappointed and betrayed. It’s one thing to feel disappointed, it’s another to feel that you have failed, to fall into deep despair, and to hate your life.
- Be heard. The problem with irreconcilable differences is feeling that your spouse can’t hear you.
Claudia Luiz’s “Sanity” workshops for couples start at the beginning: learning what to do with the disappointment, frustration and betrayal that leads most people to divorce. Once couples learn how to use and understand these emotions, everything else falls magically into place. Click here to discover more.